Its funny isnt it? 18 years later and i am still calling you that. I just got done looking at moms memorial page. I cant even begin to describe the feelings that have come over me in these last few minutes. For so long the only thing i felt when i would think of mom was rage and sorrow. Now the only thing i feel is joy and happiness because youre right, she is finally free. I guess i felt that way for so long because i didnt understand what she was going through and why she did what she did. In the 3 years since mom passed away, i've done alot of growing up. I know today that God took mom in hopes of saving jesse and I. I have to admit, i've not thought about mom in a very long time, its just been easier that way. As i sit here now though, tears streaming down my face, tears of empathy and joy not sorrow, it feels so good thinking about her. As an adult now, (scary huh?) i know how much more there is to life than what i thought before. I will be joining the army when i graduate in January. I am enlisting as chaplins asst. This will be a great way for me to make all of moms dreams for her second born some true. I will be able to help others with the trials and tribulations of life, the purpose i know God let me go through all of that hell for. I know i am here today, an alcoholic, and still alive after my sucide attempts for just that reason. My duty today is to be of maximum service to God and my fellows. I know how going into the army at the state the world is in today is a scary thing for all of the family. But i also know that I am still here for a reason. God and mom have been carrying me this entire time. I have faith that all will be ok and i pray that you all will too. I also pray that we will be united soon,together as a family again, something i can still hear moms voice say after all these years. I love you all very much and i just wanted to let you know that all is well. please keep in touch, i will try my hardest to but my schedule is very busy and im sure w/ the army in my near future it will only get busier. Life moves on and we dont always know why things happen the way they do, but i know that God has a purpose for all that does happen, the reasons why, i have learned, will always be revealed when it is time. who knows what the future holds? I know that theres nothing to be afraid of though, faith has replaced my fear.
I love you, and God bless, Zachary Lawrence Holtorf
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